The Scariest Apartment Ever

On Saturday, we went apartment hunting. In our hunt, we found the Scariest Apartment Ever. We thought it was a little expensive at $700+utilities for 2 bedrooms in this area. It is right downtown, above a thrift store and a small Mexican market. At first, it was difficult to find. Finally, we climbed up some peeling stairs off the street and found a stairwell with three doors. None of the doors were labeled, but we thought the one with "GET LOST B!&$%" scratched into it might be it. It was not. A nice bearded man opened another of the doors and said that he was expecting us, and that we had missed the correct door. Not to worry, he said, come through my apartment, and I will take you there, for all the apartments are interconnected.

After winding through the nice bearded man's apartment, we entered a communal sun room which connected all the apartments. There was a door leading to rickety metal stairs, and thence to the large parking lot for the downtown stores. It was filled with strange smelling couches, broken bicycles, and playing cards. He told us that everyone liked to hang out there.

Bearded man then took us up a couple steps, opened the door to the apartment, then down a couple steps into the apartment. The inside was like a strange warren of rooms. I was afraid I would get lost, and they would never find me. I considered that if we moved in, what if I forgot how to get to the baby's room? The apartment might eat the baby.

The nice bearded man pointed out that since the building was built at the beginning of time, that the walls, ceilings, and floors did not meet at right angles. Indeed, all the ceilings curved in towards the center in every room, with spidery cracks radiating like sunbeams away from them. He suggested that we use shims on our bookcases, so they would not fall over. Bearded man was nice.

After noticing that we had actually been through the apartment four times without noticing we had been going in circles, we found the front door. It was accessed by going down a very long, absurdly narrow flight of peeling, odd-smelling stairs and straight to the door. Nothing but a door. Just a flight of stairs in the floor, just to a door. The door was fully glass. Nice bearded man said that since the glass front door led straight on to Center Street, sometimes people would walk into the apartment, and suggested we keep it locked. So this would happen. I considered the need for curtains.

Both bedrooms (?? I think. I really couldn't make a definite count. It was too confusing) had huge, almost full-wall windows bordering Center Street. I considered curtains again.

The bathroom had a clawfoot tub with large flowers tole-painted on, and a small plastic shower attachment.

On the way out, we discovered a laundry room. It seemed to leap out at us, all unawares. Also a closet.

It was like I imagine being on drugs would be like. In fact, I feel the whole complex would be an ideal situation for one of the following groups:

*A den of hippies

*An extensive polygamous family

*A small cult

Nice bearded man led us out again, as we had neglected to leave a trail of breadcrumbs. I tried not to read the doors this time.